There's so much that's great about living in the twenty-first century. I do understand this - it's just that, anachronism that I am, every time I watch Downton Abbey I have a yearnful longing to wear red lipstick and dress for dinner. Also, I have to admit that there are certain things about today's lifestyle that I just don't understand. Here they are:
1. Dating. NNow, as a married woman, this obviously doesn't affect me at all. And thank heavens for that - I simply would not cope. Just the other day, my husband told me about a girl who signed up for Tindr and, upon swiping whichever direction one swipes, received a 'hello' text from the guy in question. So far, so good, she thought, and putting her trepidation aside, sent a response. Just minutes later, she had another message in her inbox - this time, featuring a picture of the guy's nethers. Why, you might ask yourself, as I did. There is just so much wrong with this situation:
a. If I were a man and I wanted to impress a woman, I would start with a charming conversation, subtly weaving in comments about books I had read, amazing destinations I had visited, directors whose films I enjoyed and the exotic cuisines I was capable of whipping up. In case this was too much effort - or, in truth, the only novel and interesting thing about me was my golfing handicap, I would move on to
b. If I really, really, really had to take a short cut and send a visual enticement, it might be a pic of my gorgeous, long-lashed eyes. If the gods had shortchanged me in this department, I would send a picture of my strong, capable looking hands, or veiny forearms, In fact, i would probably send a picture of my knee or elbow - absolutely anything - before aiming the phone camera lower. Can we just reflect about this for a moment. Ladies, when was the last time you thought wistfully of the beauty of the penis? Exactly. Some things are kept under wraps for a reason.
c. How, exactly, does one take a dick pic? Do you have to keep adjusting the selfie setting on your pose and twisting into awkward poses until you get the right shot? Do you take a number of pics before you decide on which one captures your appendage in just the right light? Is lighting a consideration? Do you give thought to the background setting? In which case, is a bathroom too clinical, but a bedroom too suggestive for the first time dick pic? But where, then? Surely a kitchen is just a little much? If you take this kind of thing very seriously, is it worth calling on someone to lend you a hand?
d. What if you're breaching the laws of etiquette and checking your messages during a meeting? How do you answer "Um, nothing" when someone notices your lack of attention and asks what's up?
This brings to mind a conversation I had with one of my editors when I was invited to do a radio interview on the evolution of dating. Since I haven't been dated anyone since the time it was considered outre for a girl to send the first text, I called her to brainstorm. It was she, in fact, who first alerted me to the trend: "If a date goes well," she said, "you can expect to receive a dick pic within a couple of days." No! And: why? Surely, if a date goes well, you can expect an invitation for a second date? A bunch of flowers, even. But a picture of someone's genitals. Again: why?
2. Cutsefying language. Why does everything today have to be A Thing? Either The. Best. Thing. Ever. or something that will give you the feels (or, if it is particularly significant, all the feels - leaving none for anyone else. Which leaves them facing The Struggle Which Is Real). I think this reached its apogee when, in the wake of the shit show which was last year's dismissal of the financial minister - think tumbling Rand, the true worth of life savings eroded in minutes, an economy hovering at junk status, investors running, screaming towards more attractive destinations like, say, Burkina Faso - the newspapers started talking about the finmin scandal. Please. It was one thing when Bennnifer (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez) made headlines back in the early 00's (or, if you want to turn my stomach, the noughties - another cutsification); that was actually clever. When Brangelina started popping up, originality had already been lost. But finmin? Is a 'clever' portmanteau really necessary at every turn? We're not chatting about someone's pet rabbit, but the person who has the potential to save us from economic ruin. Surely a little gravitas is in order. I mean, seriously?
3. Series. I love series. Love, love, love. I get caught in that trap where you're already tired but you think you'll just watch one episode, and then you think, just one more - it's only an hour - and the next thing, you're waking up at 5 wondering what in the world made you think you could last on just two hours of sleep. Exactly like when you are given a box of Ferrero Rochers that you sincerely think will last the week, but in fact don't make it past the first sitting. At the moment, I am watching Dexter. Now, I'm not sure which series we're on, and it's entirely possible that the plot was weak all along - serial killer with a heart of gold works to make society safe by dismembering all those who threaten it - but I am spotting some critical flaws in the dialogue. For instance, Dexter has fallen in love with a fellow serial killer and, while it's great that they share the same interests, there are some early relationship issues to navigate. Not the usual kind, like "what if she's vegan and we can't go to steakhouses on dates" or "should I stick to the three-day rule" (or apparently, "does my penis look its best in this dick pic) but the type that arise when your sister is a police lieutenant. In fact, one memorable voiceover has Dexter pondering thus: "Maybe I shouldn't date Hannah...and not just because she's a killer". Not forgetting, of course, the cop who starts dating a Russian stripper (who, incidentally, also has a heart of gold and gives him useful lessons in morality). We all know life gets complicated at times but could this be. The. Most. Tangled. Romantic Web. Ever? I mean, seriously?
1. Dating. NNow, as a married woman, this obviously doesn't affect me at all. And thank heavens for that - I simply would not cope. Just the other day, my husband told me about a girl who signed up for Tindr and, upon swiping whichever direction one swipes, received a 'hello' text from the guy in question. So far, so good, she thought, and putting her trepidation aside, sent a response. Just minutes later, she had another message in her inbox - this time, featuring a picture of the guy's nethers. Why, you might ask yourself, as I did. There is just so much wrong with this situation:
a. If I were a man and I wanted to impress a woman, I would start with a charming conversation, subtly weaving in comments about books I had read, amazing destinations I had visited, directors whose films I enjoyed and the exotic cuisines I was capable of whipping up. In case this was too much effort - or, in truth, the only novel and interesting thing about me was my golfing handicap, I would move on to
b. If I really, really, really had to take a short cut and send a visual enticement, it might be a pic of my gorgeous, long-lashed eyes. If the gods had shortchanged me in this department, I would send a picture of my strong, capable looking hands, or veiny forearms, In fact, i would probably send a picture of my knee or elbow - absolutely anything - before aiming the phone camera lower. Can we just reflect about this for a moment. Ladies, when was the last time you thought wistfully of the beauty of the penis? Exactly. Some things are kept under wraps for a reason.
c. How, exactly, does one take a dick pic? Do you have to keep adjusting the selfie setting on your pose and twisting into awkward poses until you get the right shot? Do you take a number of pics before you decide on which one captures your appendage in just the right light? Is lighting a consideration? Do you give thought to the background setting? In which case, is a bathroom too clinical, but a bedroom too suggestive for the first time dick pic? But where, then? Surely a kitchen is just a little much? If you take this kind of thing very seriously, is it worth calling on someone to lend you a hand?
d. What if you're breaching the laws of etiquette and checking your messages during a meeting? How do you answer "Um, nothing" when someone notices your lack of attention and asks what's up?
This brings to mind a conversation I had with one of my editors when I was invited to do a radio interview on the evolution of dating. Since I haven't been dated anyone since the time it was considered outre for a girl to send the first text, I called her to brainstorm. It was she, in fact, who first alerted me to the trend: "If a date goes well," she said, "you can expect to receive a dick pic within a couple of days." No! And: why? Surely, if a date goes well, you can expect an invitation for a second date? A bunch of flowers, even. But a picture of someone's genitals. Again: why?
2. Cutsefying language. Why does everything today have to be A Thing? Either The. Best. Thing. Ever. or something that will give you the feels (or, if it is particularly significant, all the feels - leaving none for anyone else. Which leaves them facing The Struggle Which Is Real). I think this reached its apogee when, in the wake of the shit show which was last year's dismissal of the financial minister - think tumbling Rand, the true worth of life savings eroded in minutes, an economy hovering at junk status, investors running, screaming towards more attractive destinations like, say, Burkina Faso - the newspapers started talking about the finmin scandal. Please. It was one thing when Bennnifer (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez) made headlines back in the early 00's (or, if you want to turn my stomach, the noughties - another cutsification); that was actually clever. When Brangelina started popping up, originality had already been lost. But finmin? Is a 'clever' portmanteau really necessary at every turn? We're not chatting about someone's pet rabbit, but the person who has the potential to save us from economic ruin. Surely a little gravitas is in order. I mean, seriously?
3. Series. I love series. Love, love, love. I get caught in that trap where you're already tired but you think you'll just watch one episode, and then you think, just one more - it's only an hour - and the next thing, you're waking up at 5 wondering what in the world made you think you could last on just two hours of sleep. Exactly like when you are given a box of Ferrero Rochers that you sincerely think will last the week, but in fact don't make it past the first sitting. At the moment, I am watching Dexter. Now, I'm not sure which series we're on, and it's entirely possible that the plot was weak all along - serial killer with a heart of gold works to make society safe by dismembering all those who threaten it - but I am spotting some critical flaws in the dialogue. For instance, Dexter has fallen in love with a fellow serial killer and, while it's great that they share the same interests, there are some early relationship issues to navigate. Not the usual kind, like "what if she's vegan and we can't go to steakhouses on dates" or "should I stick to the three-day rule" (or apparently, "does my penis look its best in this dick pic) but the type that arise when your sister is a police lieutenant. In fact, one memorable voiceover has Dexter pondering thus: "Maybe I shouldn't date Hannah...and not just because she's a killer". Not forgetting, of course, the cop who starts dating a Russian stripper (who, incidentally, also has a heart of gold and gives him useful lessons in morality). We all know life gets complicated at times but could this be. The. Most. Tangled. Romantic Web. Ever? I mean, seriously?
