Who is the most given to fussing of us all? Because, let's be honest ladies - when it comes to kids, we all get a little OTT sometimes. The question is, who's worse - the new mom, the seasoned mom, or the no mom? Let's take a look (but just a warning first: some of this sounds a little nasty. Please don't take too much offense - the reason I feel I can write this post is because I was the worst of the worst at every stage, forbidding my father to use his iPad if he was in the same room as my baby in case he gave her brain cancer):
1. Women without kids: If you're looking for advice about raising a happy, balanced child, you shouldn't look to your mother for advice. Nor should you turn to an expert. Rather, find the nearest woman who has recently celebrated her 25th birthday, and ask her. I find that such women are full of opinions and counsel, based on how they imagine motherhood will be. And what magazines tell them it will be like - to which I say: "mwhahahahahah". Listen up, women without kids: the only time you will cradle your stomach is when you are grasping at the saggy skin on your post-pregnancy body, wondering whether you will be able to stuff it into the waistband of your jeans. And the loving look you give your baby? It often comes only after the child has been asleep for an hour, after which sufficient time has elapsed for you to forget that you spent the entire saying nothing besides "Please don't do that. Please don't do that. Please don't do that." - the only variation being an occasional change in emphasis, as in "Please don't do THAT" or, when you have reached the point of desperation, "PLEASE don't do that." The ignorance of these women would be endearing, were it not for their habit of saying things like "I know exactly what you mean when you say you're exhausted because you were up every third hour last night, because I just got a puppy."
2. Aunts without kids: Aunts are as bad as women without kids, in that they haven't yet realised that a baby isn't a sweet, pinkly gurgling bundle of hugs, but a vomit-scented tsunami of uncoordinated limbs that somehow needs to be inserted into a minute babygro. However, they have had a bit of exposure to babies through their sisters, and as they say, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Watching their nieces being fed and bathed has led them to believe that they have a handle on the creatures, which also makes them prone to dispensing advice. In fact, no one has stronger ideas on child raising than the freshly minted aunt: I remember saying sternly to my sister, "I really don't think it's appropriate that you let Jaime jump on her bed, especially since her duvet is white." Oh how my sister must have wanted to laugh - when she knew that later, she would be wrestling Jaime to the floor and prising her jaws open, pinning her shoulders down with her knees, just to brush her teeth, whilst simultaneously explaining that no, she cannot have snail bait for pudding. Considering this would come hot on the heels of a shopping expedition, where she would spend the bulk of her time saying "No, I am not going to buy you tampons. No, I am not going to buy you a rake. No, you don't need cat litter. No, you may not drink beer," a little bed-jumping is a trivial matter.
3. The new mom: These moms really *do* know it all, because they have been spending what little time they have between feeds swotting up on Baby Sense, The No Cry Sleep Solution and The Contented Baby Book. If you wanted to know anything at all about anything at all, you could ask them - usually, though, you don't have to, because they're happy to drop their learnings into any conversation. As in: You: "I;m so excited that the new season of Game of Thrones has finally started." New Mom: "That must be fascinating. I find that if I breastfeed in the rugby ball position, there is no need to wait three full hours, also because I am feeding on demand now. But I've also stacked up on those sacks you can put the bits of fruit in so that they can get the taste of the food without choking. Do you really think it's not too early to introduce baby-fed weaning? I mean, the gross motor at this stage is coming on well. And the wonder weeks are about nightmares so I completely know how Khalisi feels (laughs)..." Also, new moms have a worrying tendency to get very confused about things. There's a mom in my baby class who frequently says things like "It's so hot we've taken to wearing nothing but our nappies." Needless to say, the image of her thirty-year-old body ensconced in nothing but a nappy is off-putting, to say the least.
4. Second time moms: Poor first time moms. They cannot voice a simple concern without having it laughed away by these know-it-alls, having forgotten that they were once as absorbed in the merits of Pampers Premium over Huggies Gold. These women have become fully immersed in mom-dom referring constantly to the class Whatsapp groups they're members of, and saying things like "I'm just hopping off to my pilates class".
1. Women without kids: If you're looking for advice about raising a happy, balanced child, you shouldn't look to your mother for advice. Nor should you turn to an expert. Rather, find the nearest woman who has recently celebrated her 25th birthday, and ask her. I find that such women are full of opinions and counsel, based on how they imagine motherhood will be. And what magazines tell them it will be like - to which I say: "mwhahahahahah". Listen up, women without kids: the only time you will cradle your stomach is when you are grasping at the saggy skin on your post-pregnancy body, wondering whether you will be able to stuff it into the waistband of your jeans. And the loving look you give your baby? It often comes only after the child has been asleep for an hour, after which sufficient time has elapsed for you to forget that you spent the entire saying nothing besides "Please don't do that. Please don't do that. Please don't do that." - the only variation being an occasional change in emphasis, as in "Please don't do THAT" or, when you have reached the point of desperation, "PLEASE don't do that." The ignorance of these women would be endearing, were it not for their habit of saying things like "I know exactly what you mean when you say you're exhausted because you were up every third hour last night, because I just got a puppy."
2. Aunts without kids: Aunts are as bad as women without kids, in that they haven't yet realised that a baby isn't a sweet, pinkly gurgling bundle of hugs, but a vomit-scented tsunami of uncoordinated limbs that somehow needs to be inserted into a minute babygro. However, they have had a bit of exposure to babies through their sisters, and as they say, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Watching their nieces being fed and bathed has led them to believe that they have a handle on the creatures, which also makes them prone to dispensing advice. In fact, no one has stronger ideas on child raising than the freshly minted aunt: I remember saying sternly to my sister, "I really don't think it's appropriate that you let Jaime jump on her bed, especially since her duvet is white." Oh how my sister must have wanted to laugh - when she knew that later, she would be wrestling Jaime to the floor and prising her jaws open, pinning her shoulders down with her knees, just to brush her teeth, whilst simultaneously explaining that no, she cannot have snail bait for pudding. Considering this would come hot on the heels of a shopping expedition, where she would spend the bulk of her time saying "No, I am not going to buy you tampons. No, I am not going to buy you a rake. No, you don't need cat litter. No, you may not drink beer," a little bed-jumping is a trivial matter.
3. The new mom: These moms really *do* know it all, because they have been spending what little time they have between feeds swotting up on Baby Sense, The No Cry Sleep Solution and The Contented Baby Book. If you wanted to know anything at all about anything at all, you could ask them - usually, though, you don't have to, because they're happy to drop their learnings into any conversation. As in: You: "I;m so excited that the new season of Game of Thrones has finally started." New Mom: "That must be fascinating. I find that if I breastfeed in the rugby ball position, there is no need to wait three full hours, also because I am feeding on demand now. But I've also stacked up on those sacks you can put the bits of fruit in so that they can get the taste of the food without choking. Do you really think it's not too early to introduce baby-fed weaning? I mean, the gross motor at this stage is coming on well. And the wonder weeks are about nightmares so I completely know how Khalisi feels (laughs)..." Also, new moms have a worrying tendency to get very confused about things. There's a mom in my baby class who frequently says things like "It's so hot we've taken to wearing nothing but our nappies." Needless to say, the image of her thirty-year-old body ensconced in nothing but a nappy is off-putting, to say the least.
4. Second time moms: Poor first time moms. They cannot voice a simple concern without having it laughed away by these know-it-alls, having forgotten that they were once as absorbed in the merits of Pampers Premium over Huggies Gold. These women have become fully immersed in mom-dom referring constantly to the class Whatsapp groups they're members of, and saying things like "I'm just hopping off to my pilates class".
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